This is the book’s table of contents. It tells you what’s in it—and what could soon be in you.

I.  INTRODUCTION
1. Introduction
2. Why We Hate Our Families (Even though we love them)

II. GENERAL SKILLS FOR ALL FAMILY GATHERINGS
3. Zoos, Prisons and Other Places to Prepare for the Shock of a Family Gathering
4. Pre-Gathering Preparation Game: “Remember When” (As in, “Remember when you told your mom I was studying to be a child psychologist as an excuse for why I liked to watch professional wrestling”)?
5. Boring Family Visits (How to keep from falling into a coma)

III. IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR
(Unless you’ve got to spend it with bitchy Aunt Margaret) 
6. Arrival Strategies and Multi-Day Visits (How to make sure you get the bed and your communist brother-in-law gets the couch)
7. Showing Up Already Drunk or High (When is it a good idea, and when is it absolutely necessary?)
8. Children During the Holidays (How to have fun at their expense)
9. Cheapskate Santa (Or Miserly Moshe for my Jewish peeps)
10. Dish Détente (How to almost help with the dishes, and other tricks for appearing to be helpful while really not lifting a finger)
11. Boozing Up Baby (and puppy)

IV. IF YOU’RE WATCHING THIS VIDEO, IT MEANS I’M DEAD AND YOU’VE JUST TURNED THIRTEEN (Surviving Bar Mitzvahs, graduations and birthdays) 
12. The Excuse Will Set You Free (How to get out of attending a Bar Mitzvah, graduation or birthday) 
13. How to Give a Gift That Puts the Attention Back on You

V. YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME AGAIN (But you can move back in with your parents)
14. Re-Entry Strategy
15. In My House, You’ll Live By My Rules (and one of those rules is that you can’t live in my house)

VI. PUBERTY, MENOPAUSE AND OTHER EXCUSES FOR BEING A PAIN IN THE ASS
16. You Don’t Understand, Mom! (Puberty and adolescence) 
17. What’s Got You All Hot? (Surviving and supporting the menopausal)

VII. I WAS IN LABOR FOR FIFTEEN HOURS AND ALL I GET IS A CARD?
(Surviving Mother’s Day and Father’s Day)
18. Isn’t Being Your Child Thanks Enough? 
19. In My Day, We Honored Our Parents By Chopping Off a Finger

VIII. WEDDINGS (Not just for green cards anymore)
20. It’s My Wedding, So Why in the Hell Are You Crying?
21. I Can’t Believe I’m Paying for Her to Marry Him
22. I Hope She Trips on Her Dress (For siblings of the bride or groom)
23. What Do You Mean Jews Don’t Celebrate Christmas? (Interfaith marriages)
24. Brandon, Do You Take Shaniquah to Be Your Wizife? (Interracial weddings)

IX. GET ME SOME WARM BLANKETS AND A SHOTGUN (Surviving having a baby)
25. Get Out of the Delivery Room, Bitch! (and other tender mother-daughter moments)     
26. I’m Having a Kid, Not Opening a Bed-and-Breakfast (For family members who just won’t leave)

X. FAMILY REUNIONS, FIREWORKS, AND FAT RELATIVES WEARING THONG BIKINIS
(Surviving summertime get-togethers) 
27. Picture Showers, Pig Eaters, and the Inheritance Relay-Race
28. How Not to Notice Botox Injections, Breast Reductions, Dramatic Weight Gain or Loss, or Anything Else You Can’t Help But Notice
29. Camping with Dummies
30. The Haves vs. The Haves to Shop at Wal-Mart(Getting together with the “other” side of the family)
31. Red-and Blue-Staters (What to do when the “Two Americas” show up to the same family reunion)
32. The Jaws of Life (What to say to avoid your crazy-ass uncle’s diatribe about how people used to be friendlier or whatever)

XI. MY DADDY LIVES WITH THE CLEANING LADY NOW (How to handle divorces and family shifts)
33. So, Where Did You Meet My Daddy (and do a lot of whores hang out there)?
34. Visitation Rites (Seeing family after a divorce)
35. Mommy’s New Boyfriend Keeps Sending Me Out for Pizza (Kids and divorce)

XII. OVER MY DEAD BODY (Surviving funerals)
36. Funeral Stories That Honor the Dead
37. Who Died and Made You Boss? (Throwing a kick-ass funeral)

XIII. OH NO YOU DI-IN’T!! (Surviving feuds, fights and really crazy sh*t)
38. When to Talk About Abortion (and other techniques for bringing about civil discourse)
39. What to Do When Your Mom Gets Drunk and Calls Your Wife a Whore (Handling stuff so crazy, it even freaks out your family)

 XIV. CONCLUSION
40. Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires